Sometimes heavy thoughts weigh on my mind, steamrolling anything light and positive. Those times I lose faith and dig in, assuring myself that I can beat the terrible thoughts and overcome them by myself. This has happened this week….an issue has been building up for a couple of years, something I thought threatened me and my family. I bucked hard against the negativity but many times gave in. When I did this my self-esteem plunged, I questioned my life and how it’s going and many things that I’ve always expected to be a certain way.
I cried a lot. I felt so defeated and defensive and uncertain of my future. Through all this tribulation, I forgot who to trust. I didn’t pray. Because of this drastic mistake, the situation in my mind grew to enormous lengths and I hit rock bottom. Not trusting in the creator leads to these doomsday ideas and thoughts. Not praying and believing in Him makes it the end of the world.
Thankfully I talked to my mom and she prayed. We both prayed to God. We prayed for strength, comfort and the ability to knock these low self-esteem thoughts from me. Mom prayed for a sign. She said, “Lord, send Mary a sign that you are listening and you have this situation under control, Amen.”
Lately I’ve prayed for sick relatives and friends. I’ve prayed for many things but not my life nor for myself. I forgot to do this. Then my mom’s prayers opened up those gates I had put up and allowed me to pray again. I prayed early in the morning over coffee. I prayed while performing chores. I quietly prayed at night under the silent covers.
This morning I looked over at my June calendar in my kitchen. My dad made this wooden calendar and I decorate it differently every month. On June first I had placed the wooden letters that spell, FAITH on the top. Yet everyday I wrestled with this situation I didn’t even notice FAITH until this morning. Maybe on June first God knew I would battle this and led me to putting up the letters. Maybe not…but I”d like to think he was behind it.
All in all, everything is fine. My marriage is strong and loving, despite my past worries and anxiety. We are happy and strong. We love each other. My inner image is a work in progress. I continue to pray for a strong self-image, for confidence and peace within the depths of my soul.
I thank God for pulling me out of the depths of despair and self-doubt. I am okay and I will destroy the terrible thoughts from my head. Sometimes those negative thoughts take up too much space and I feel the only way to combat it is to pray. Praying restores that sense of peace, a place I wish to be in to live a happy life.
I hope you all are having a great week! This week is my last at school, finishing up on Thursday with a good workshop on Trauma and kids. After that Tom and I have the summer ahead of us, with many exciting adventures. One is our oldest son, Dylan getting married in August.
All My Best,
Heart and Soul